BAMBOOZLED

All I can say is OMIGOD! And thanks to my detective sister. Well, you know how I was bragging last week about all the men from all over the world that were texting me daily, well, they were all a scam. All one and the same person!!! So Frank George, Jason Fred, Jim Michael, and Julius O'Neill were all one and the same man. I should have seen the pattern...duh! And isn't it funny that all the compliments and praise started to get to an old 55-year-old woman, and I was starting to believe that I was really just THAT popular. But the telltale signs were: they always ask for your home email first, then your phone no., then they profess to love you (after a few days) and apparently the next thing would have been them asking for money. I'm dumb, but I'm not totally stupid, okay. When the first guy said he loved me, I told him no, you don't, you don't know me. But when 3 out of the 4 were all totally and completely in love with me, that's when I sent Detective sister the love letter that I got, which she in turn googled, and found it on loveletters.com. The pictures of his kitchen, she found those too online and the fake son and fake photos of all 4 guys were all bogus - models' pictures. I feel violated and used. They must have thought they had me because I wasted one week of my life talking to them. This must be a sign from God that I shouldn't use online dating, but fear not, I have seen the light and have cancelled my subscription to Metrodate! Ladies beware - it's bogus. They are not who you think they are. It all started getting suspicious when all the guys sounded the same and one was supposed to be in Dubai working while the other was in Nigeria buying antiques. Funny, why were the phone nos. almost identical. They were all widows with one child or had been betrayed by a woman. The ploy is they flatter us, tell us they love us, then we're supposed to do anything for them, including send them money. But I had trouble with the I love you part. It hinted of psycho stalkerism. Why are 3 guys in love with me at the same time? And as hard as it is to a) get guys to text us constantly online or b) get a man to tell us he loves us or c) just getting a man to call us, why were these guys so eager to say it so quickly and talk to me all night. Oh yeah, they all send pre-typed get-to-know-you emails that go on and on, and if you call them (I have free long distance) and they are supposed to be American, they have foreign accents. I kept asking dude from London, why do you have a Jamaican accent and you're supposed to be Irish! None of it made sense, but while it did make a lonely girl feel wanted and ever-so-popular, it also didn't add up. And because I was playing the field, and because I guess they are all dummies, they didn't think that I would notice all the similarities. When I finally caught the con (thanks to sis), he still wanted me to forgive him. He asked me don't you have feelings for me. And I said, actually, no I don't. I don't know you, I don't love you, and goodbye. When they asked me to come see them or call them long distance, I said no, you phone me or come and see me, and they said, you can't put a price on love. So I was amused and distracted for one week, but now reality has set in, and I have seen the light. I'm done. So now that POF and Metrodate are history, I guess I'll just have to hope to meet Mr. Wonderful in person, which is by far the best way, as what you see is what you get. On the bright side, now I have time to enjoy my summer and get to those goals and sense-of-purpose duties that I have been neglecting.

Btw, Alabama didn't show up to meet me on Saturday (due to his conference), but he claims he will try to make the drive before he heads back to Alabama. No call from Superstore Neil either - I guess boy-toy forgot my no. Maybe I am destined to wait for my absentee husband after all, but one thing for sure, I am SCARED of Metrodate!! I will chalk up my wasted week as being a valuable life lesson! Thanks sis!

Too many men - too little time

Well, I had an off week last week. I haven't got one bite from POF since the spy, but Metrodate is keeping me hopping. Would you believe I get 2 emails per day from men from across the globe? They tell me I'm beautiful and sweet and angelic. I must say it is very gratifying to hear, just when I was starting to feel like an Old Maid. I am currently talking to six men right now: men from every corner of the globe: California, Indiana, 2 from Australia, London, and Malaysia. Funny thing, three of them quoted the Bible in their welcome e-mail. There must be something about my smile or something but these guys are falling hard for me. I sure don't want to break anybody's heart but seriously they shouldn't fall so hard until we at least meet in person. I mean, come on. But I do feel somewhat like a player. I feel powerful. I have my pick of men, and I am weeding them out. They all claim to want to come and visit or want me to visit them (send ticket please!) 2 of them have left for Dubai and Nigeria on business. They all are looking for mates. They hope I don't forget them while they're gone (heck, I can't even keep them straight when they're here!). I must say that I am wasting valuable time getting to know these guys, but it is necessary for me to get to know them better, pull out their flaws, and weed out the quacks. And let's not forget about Mr. Alabama, who is supposed to be coming to meet me this Sat. It's not like I am cheating on any of them, I am just doing research. Ahem. The confusing part about multi-chatting is to make sure that you are saying the right thing to the right person. And why do their names have to be two first names like Fred Michael or Jim Frank. I would have to say the most attractive and the least likely man that I will meet is the gorgeous specimen of a man from Malaysia. This guy looks like a GQ underwear model - OMIGOD! I would love to do a version of Eat Pray Love, but instead it would be called Travel Men Sex, a travelogue to different countries to meet men. Wouldn't that be great? Travel to London to see Jay; next head to Sydney to hook up with Joel, and while I'm in Australia, then another date with Mr. Nice; from there, head to Malaysia and swoon with Frank, then to California to see Jim, and finally to Indiana to see Jason. Phew! Sort of like the Bachelorette Gone Wild. Check them all out, rate them on kissing, looks, compatibility, availability, stability, sanity, then choose the best bet!

I am really enjoying my adventure, and it doesn't look like the absentee husband is heading back my way, so I have his blessing to "Move On" once and for all. So that is what I am doing. It is very time consuming and all absorbing, so sometimes I have to shut the computer off to do chores. But I guess this is what it feels like to be single and 55, and I am loving it. Bring on the emails, baby! Stay tuned!

BlackPeopleMeet Here I Come!

So after hearing nada from the last 5 guys I have gone out with from Plenty of Fish, I have bit the bullet and listened to my eldest daughter, and I have subscribed to a Paid Dating Service!! She claims that is why I haven't found anybody worthwhile. And lo and behold, I have received 80 emails. Yikes. After the Spanish Fly, I mean, Spy texted and then failed to respond, I have accepted the fact that a) he was a mama's boy after all, b) perhaps he was gay c) maybe he got offended when I refused his offer to drive or walk me home or d) maybe he got miffed when I chose SYTYCD over him. Oh well, Spanish Wayne Newton was definitely not my scene.

So back to my 80 emails. I have flirted and chatted with several interesting males. One is from Alabama but just happens to be visiting a city near me. After chatting, we realized that we both went to university in the same city, and there are alot of spooky coincidences that I can only attribute to divine intervention or my late ex-husband's doing. We are going to try to meet up at the end of the month. I am feeling excited and hopeful for our meeting. He is definitely more my type, and we seem to have alot in common. And just when I had given up on men in general, he calls me long distance to chat (on his dime). I will update you as it gets closer to the end of the month.

Today at the grocery store on my way to get my buggy, an attractive younger man kept smiling at me and mumbling under his breath. I thought he was talking to himself. I'm used to seeing crazies daily. But he seemed to be following me and staring at me and as I got closer, I could hear him saying how beautiful I was (what?). Then as we were both putting loonies in our carts, he said, you must be married, right? And I said no. He said then you must have a boyfriend, I said no. Then he said are you into younger men, I said yes (duh?). Then he said well could I call you and maybe we could go for a drink or something. So he asked for my no. and I politely asked for his. He said he didn't have one (uh oh), but I gave him my cell no. Of course, we couldn't find a pen, so I don't know if he'll remember my no. by heart or not. But there definitely was a moment. I asked his name, he said Neil, I told him mine, we shook hands, he didn't want to let go of my hand. Then he kept repeating how gorgeous I was (I didn't even look that great) but he just kept saying it over and over again. Then he said so I'll call you, and away we went. I know what you're all thinking: everybody claims that when you're not looking for somebody, they just show up at the unlikeliest places, like a grocery store. I have to admit that it was very flattering, and even if I don't hear from him, it put a smile on my face.

Spanish Spy

So I decided to have "at er" again and responded to a flirt from a guy named Tony, a spanish political asylum refugee. We exchanged emails and phone numbers. When I first heard his voice, I thought it was alarmingly high and a little too soft-spoken, but he was intrigued to meet the following day at a local coffee shop not far from home. I have to admit I was a little intrigued to meet a real "bourne supremacy" type guy. He looked exactly like his photo (darn!). I was hoping he would be more buff and more latin lover type, but instead he looked more like Wayne Newton. He bought me a Tazo tea, and we chatted for an hour until I had to rush off to catch "So you think you can dance." (A girl has priorities, right?) I checked out his teeth (great!) and his shoes (nice!) but he was wearing white socks (with black dress shoes?). He looked decent enough, dress pants, white shirt (with buttons popping). He was very gentlemanly, and he told me he was strictly interested in friendship, not sex (must be gay!), so I was happy to hear that I wouldn't have to be fighting off his embraces. He also told me he lived with his mother (do any of these guys live alone?). He said he wanted to see me again and asked what I felt. I said of course I was open to being friends. I told him I would be out of town until Thurs. but if he wanted to see me again, he had my nos. and email. He emailed me Thursday morn with a "hello beautiful," but I haven't heard anything more from him. Just as well. I've decided that if I am not attracted to their photo, I am not wasting my time. Yes, call me vain, but if I have to kiss and spend time with a guy, he better at least be good to look at. btw i haven't heard anymore from Moroccan man except a call and message to call me later that evening, which he didn't do.

I must say, I have gotten some X-rated emails from guys on Metrodate. Sheesh! Some guy even sent me a picture of his (you guessed it). Yuck. I have gotten several emails from older gentlemen in California and NY, wanting to get to know me. Rich widowers with mansions (ya, right!). All the cute guys a) either don't respond or b) respond saying they're looking for someone younger. They don't know what they're missing, clearly. The distance thing is a real turnoff too, but at the moment I am talking to an aviatic lunatic from Denver, a musician from somewhere in the states, and the two widowers. I will keep you posted.

2 Good 2 B True

So date #3 with my Moroccan Prince started on time, but he brought along his visiting niece from Paris. I didn't mind at first because I thought I'd have a chance to brush up my francais and have a person to visit if I ever make it to France. And I still wasn't all that big on being alone with him (I had been uncomfortable with the hand holding and kisses). Anyhow, he picks me up and guess who's sitting in the front seat? Plus he didn't open the back door for me. Oh, so maybe this isn't a date after all. So as I sit quietly in the back, he says "are you o.k., why so quiet, my Princess?" Duh! Maybe it's the third wheel sitting next to you. Anyhow, he takes us to this fab seafood buffet across town, and it was quite fun. Although I did start to notice little things that bug me about him, like eating with his mouth open and talking with food in his mouth. Just little things. Oh and the accent and not being able to understand what he was saying was getting old. And him always answering a sentence with, huh? you know what I mean? Anyhow, niece starts holding her stomach all through dinner and I ask her if she's ill. She says it's acid reflux. So even though she took two heaping platefuls of food, which she barely touched, she still managed to kill the dessert table with no problem. Me, on the other hand, devoured every mouthful. So the plan after dinner was that we were going to hear some jazz music (I had put tickets aside for us). Lo and behold, we start heading in the other direction to his house and apparently niecy was too ill to come so we were dropping her off. He gave me a tour, very Moroccan, very clean, most fab bed I had ever seen (huge 4-poster), too bad he'll never see me in it! Anyhow, off we go, an hour late for the show, and he says when we get there that he hasn't slept in 2 days (I told you he was a workaholic) and was just going to take a cat nap, and then he would come to catch the second half and meet mom. I'm still waiting to hear from him. Funny thing, as I had almost completely talked myself into a relationship, the universe came through with an out. I had wondered how I was going to break it to Mr. Nice Guy without hurting him. And now I have the perfect reason. He ditched his Princess. He knew I didn't have a ride home. So I had to wait for the band to finish packing up their stuff (did I ever feel like a groupie) and then one of my brother's bandmates who lives a block from me, offered me a ride home. As I sat alone drinking a complimentary glass of red wine, I told myself, "men ain't sheet." Even though I knew he was tired, and I told him it was okay if he didn't stay, he was the one who insisted on coming back. Being left in the club brought back unpleasant memories from a former crackhead BF. My sister-in-law remarked earlier, "you have to stay away from these men who like to sleep in cars." I looked at her questioningly. Then I remembered my absentee husband, pulling that same ploy. At any rate, on the ride home, I had a nice conversation with a sax player that I had just met. If it hadn't been for the new gorsight that emailed from El Paso earlier yesterday, I probably would have felt worse than I did. Plus my bro said to me, "if I were you, I'd have lots of BFs." So note to self: If he doesn't seem like your type, no matter how nice, go with your inner voice and just keep looking. Because if there was a spark, height nor lack of teeth would matter. Sounds like a plan!

Look Outside the Box

So I got an email from a guy, and he said, beautiful princess, could I take you to dinner. I had received an earlier email from this guy, maybe a few weeks ago, but I had too many Bachelors on the go, and I just ignored it. But the thought of a man actually spending money on me intrigued me and after all the losers I've experienced, why not give a gentleman a chance, right? So I answered his email with a yes and anytime. He emailed me back, how about tomorrow at 6, what kind of food do you like? So I told him I was a vegetarian, and I didn't have a restaurant preference. So he offed this high-end restaurant, and I quickly agreed to meet him there. It was only a few blocks from my home, but I drove myself because it was raining. I arrived promptly at 6 and I noticed him pacing in front of the restaurant, while on his cell. I could see that he was shorter than he wrote on his profile (he was more like 5'5" then 5'7") but I promised myself to be totally open-minded and give this one a chance. He looked like his picture and kissed me European style upon greeting me. He held the door for me (bonus points) and then asked if I wanted to eat in the restaurant or lounge. We chose the restaurant. He ordered calamari and mussels and clams for appetizers (yikes, that's a meal for me) and he insisted that I order a main course. I gladly chose the lobster tail dinner (might as well see how deep his pockets were, right?). This is not something I usually do but I was curious to see how authentic this guy was. He was a total gentleman and the most generous and caring guy I have ever dated. We had a nice conversation and we even had dessert and specialty coffees (ka-ching). I did bring money just in case I got the shock of going dutch, but no way. This man knew the chef and stopped to talk to him and then as we were walking out the door, he said to me, it's too early for us to part so I'm kidnapping you. So we jumped into his Mercedes SUV (triple bonus points), and he drove me to this quaint middle eastern bakery and after spending ($43.00) dollars on treats, he handed me a big box of goodies and told me to bring them home to my daughter. I told him my daughter wouldn't eat many, nor would I, but he said just bring them into work (which is exactly what I did). He then gave me a tour of his mosque (yes, he's Muslim), his market, and we even drove by his home and then back to the restaurant. He dropped me at my car and gave me a polite peck on the lips and told me I had beautiful eyes and kissed me on the bridge of my nose. As I drove home, I couldn't help but wonder if this is how a true gentleman treats a lady. This man was a true gem, albeit short, but his heart oozed love and respect and kindness and goodness. Maybe I should stop looking for Mr. Gorsight (gorgeous sight) and stick with a GOOD man instead. What a phenomenon! A man who respects you, treats you like a Queen, and loves life. Did the universe send this man my way? Will I be smart enough to go against the grain and give him a chance? This man in one evening showed me all the characteristics I was searching for in a man. Yes, I know, maybe he was a fraud, but I don't think this man had one negative thought in his mind. As I thought about what it felt like to be treated nicely, I called him and left him my phone number. The least I could do after a fabulous evening. He mentioned that he would love to take me to a Seafood Buffet if I was available on Sat. I said, I'd love to, and he said he'd give me a call tomorrow. Tomorrow is today (Friday) and when I didn't hear from him, I was a little taken aback. So I called him (to make sure he got my message) and he said he was going to call me and maybe we could go for a coffee tonight (don't say it, I know 2 dates in a row is a bit much, but I can't say no to this man). So we went for tea, and I had a chance to get a good look at him in better light. Is this a man I could grow to like? Could I get beyond the height and appearance? Almost as if he read my mind, he said, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, if your heart is beautiful, it doesn't need any trimmings. That's the problem with this one - he speaks from his heart and says all the right things. So date #3 is tomorrow and he's meeting my mom. I'll keep you posted!

Crazy New Yorker

My eldest daughter told me that I was looking for "the One" to happen instantly. I beg to differ. I am looking for hope...I am looking for possibility. So I gave Mr. New York, another chance to disprove his insanity. I have found him to be controlling, jealous, and totally bad news. When he left me a message to never walk away from him, I was perplexed. I decided to go for the jugular and so I told him I would marry him if he sent me a ticket to New York because how else could that happen, right? He said, is that all it would take. I said yes. He said if I come to visit you, will you send me a ticket? I said, no. You're the big businessman living in the financial district in a 3bd. 2 ba. in Manhattan - I would think you could afford it more than me. I believe the guy is a hermit, who doesn't even take the time to eat, and furthermore I think he is totally cheap because for some strange reason, he hasn't got back to me about the ticket. Although I did close my yahoo messenger and haven't checked my text messages, but when he told me he would feed me ______ (fill in the blank with the grossest thing you can think of), I knew I had to get rid of him. Next...